Oregon Public Broadcasting

If you were listening here yesterday, you might have heard members of the Senate grilling the U.S. Commander in Iraq about the war, and its toll on the troops. Here's Sen. Daniel Akaka of Hawaii.

Daniel Akaka:"My question to you, general:  is it your understanding that most soldiers returning from subsequent deployments Iraq are getting about 6 months quality time with their families over a three and half year period?"

And you might have heard General David Petraeus' reply - that soldiers and their families had his sympathy.

David Petraeus: "I'm personally keenly aware of the strain--with respect, I've been deployed now for  4 and a half  years since 2001 on operations alone, not to mention training and other activities. And there's no question about the toll that it takes, and the challenges it presents--not just to the soldiers but to their families."

Today we meet a Northwest military family who hoped for a better answer. April Baer reports.

Laural and Brian Miller know they have a different perspective on the war in Iraq than most people. Their marriage is dangerously close to breaking, because of Brian's three deployments. Their family lives in Olympia, Washington, just a few hours from Oregon, where Laural grew up.  The Millers have five kids.

It's challenging-- especially during spring break, when the entire crowd, aged three to thirteen--is running amuck.

They're showing us the books they picked up at the library.

Laural does her best to keep them entertained on a budget. She has to. The Millers are living on $18,000 a year.   It wasn't always like this.

The Millers met thirteen years ago at the Army's Fort Carson, in Colorado. They were the same age, but he outranked her.

Brian Miller: "She walked into our day room, and it was like love at first sight."

Laural Miller: "You never said that! You've NEVER said that!" (laughing)

Brian Miller: "When she walked in I knew she was the one."

They got married, and their unit was sent to Germany. Laural took a discharge after their second child was born. At that point, in the late 90s, she was just marking time in the motor pool.

Laural:  "We called it the dry sweep shuffle, our job was just to check under our trucks, Make sure there was no oil and move them so they wouldn't rot where they were sitting in the motor pool, and then ... 2001. 911 happened in 2001 and it changed--everything. Everything! All the posts shut down, all the Americans were scared.

Suddenly Brian was working twelve hour days or longer.  Laural and the kids came back to the States.   Things became even more difficult for the Miller family when the United States invaded Iraq and he was deployed there. Laural was a ball of nerves, trying not to watch the news, riding herd over a growing family.

Brian:  "It's hard. I'm worried about her, make sure she's doing OK. It was our first deployment, we didn't have easy communications, not like you could just pick up the phone. Mail was very slow."

When the Millers could talk on the phone, their conversations were restrained. Ever tried to talk to your spouse with army censors listening in?

Brian:  "The don't want you to talk about the unit size, the missions that we do. they had a phone center, somebody would say something they're not supposed to.All the phones would be shut off. It was hard to communicate."

In Iraq, Brian dodged the occasional RPG and mortar attack. He was devastated by the death of a fellow soldier on one of his convoys. A few years into the war, Laural had a mental breakdown and a short hospital stay. That's when Brian decided to retire. He left the Army at the end of last year. The Millers would like to be able to say the problems ended there. But the emotional and financial cost of their war were high.

Laural:   "It gets frustrating for me because I'm supposed to be really understanding and wait and wait. Meantime I'm watching my kids grow up. We're not at a good time right now."

Brian: "I remember I came home, I think, after My first deployment. We were getting gas. A car backfired, I immediately hit the ground."

Brian's working on keeping his temper under wraps. Especially with the kids.

Today he's kidding around with three- year old Lucien, feeding him some dried banana, but sometimes, he says he snaps at them over small things. Laural notices he's more withdrawn.

The Millers' financial problems haven't helped Brian's struggle to re-adjust.  They took a bath on a bad mortgage, and now the family is limping along on Brian's $1500 a month pension--a fraction of the $4500 Brian brought home as an army seargeant. Brian's going to Evergreen State College on the GI Bill, but today's version only covers part of his tuition.  Laural just finished training as a legal mediator and is looking for work in Portland. To make ends meet the Millers signed up for food stamps, and the Women, Infants & Children food program.  Even small decisions are colored by money, like what daughter Bronte's doing to celebrate her 13th birthday next week.

"There's this Japanese restaurant that's SO cool, you can watch them make the... "Maybe after your mother's in law school..."

The Millers are working very hard to make sure their kids feel loved and completely supported. But privately, Laural's having serious doubts about whether she wants to stay married. But for the moment, the Millers are still together. And absolutely not looking for sympathy.

Laural: We're fighters. We've been fighting for our marriage, since we first started. We've been married 15 years in May. We really wanted to make it work. We're not victims. It's a choice we really wanted to stay married and make this work."

Of course, the family hopes someday Congress will allot more money for veterans' benefits.  Until then, Laural says there is something people can do to help: pay a little attention to military families.

She says more than yellow ribbons or flags, what families like theirs really need is an offer to make dinner, some help with the housecleaning, or just a friendly ear. Right now that's her idea of support for the Troops.